South Africa: Safari! (Day Two)

JMH in Pilanesberg

JMH in Pilanesberg

Zebra in Pilanesberg

Zebra in Pilanesberg

Rhinos Blocking the Road in Pilanesberg

Rhinos Blocking the Road in Pilanesberg

Lion in Pilanesberg

Lion in Pilanesberg

My first day of safari — really, half a day — was extraordinary, and left me eager for more. So when I awoke the next day before sunrise, the anticipation of returning to the game park overshadowed any lingering fatigue.

A light breakfast and a bit of pre-dawn coffee fortified us, and we were off. The owl of the previous day had been an unexpected treat, but we still hadn’t seen any lions or leopards. Would we today?

The air was brisk, cold in fact, at under 40F. But again, enthusiasm more than made up for that. We drove the first leg quickly, our driver eager to bring us to the heart of park.

Unlike the mostly flat Kruger, Pilanesberg lies inside one of only three of the world’s alkali volcanic craters. And while I’m not entirely sure what that means, one benefit was that our journey into the park took us by a plateau overlooking the brush. The view was magnificent — majestically peaceful, timeless, alluring, and deceptive. How could such a sparse landscape be home to so many huge animals?

We saw an elephant or two from afar, some rare buffalo that interested our guide more than me, giraffes, zebras, gnus, and impalas all over the place. But no lions or leopards. And we had to return to base camp.

There’s no way to call a drive through Pilanesberg disappointing. And I had been told that lion sightings aren’t as exciting as they sound, because lions are usually really far away. But still, I wanted to see a big cat.

So I was especially excited when our afternoon drive started with the report of a leopard.

But we were waylaid on our way to see it — by a pair of rhinos! The huge animals lumbered lazily right at us, blocking our dirt road, forcing us to wait patiently, and ultimately passing but a few feet to our right.

By the time we were able to journey on, we had lost the leopard. But our hearts were still pounding from the encounter with the rhinos.

With dusk, we once again headed back to camp, taking a brief detour for what our guide called a surprise.

A lion! And not off in the distance, but right in front of us, relaxing just beyond our vehicle. At peace with the world, or perhaps indifferent to it, the feline was both oddly immediate and completely surreal, as if suggesting both of course there’s a lion amid the otherwise quotidian grass and also there’s wonder beyond imagine in this place.

What a way to end a drive through the bush.

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South Africa: Safari! (Day One)

Journey to Pilanesberg

Journey to Pilanesberg

Accommodations at the Black Rhino Lodge

Accommodations at the Black Rhino Lodge

Lunch at the Black Rhino Lodge

Lunch at the Black Rhino Lodge

Setting Out From the Black Rhino Lodge

Setting Out From the Black Rhino Lodge

Pilanesberg Landscape

Pilanesberg Landscape

Rhino in Pilanesberg

Rhino in Pilanesberg

Owl in Pilanesberg

Owl in Pilanesberg

As an avid nature photographer, I’ve always wanted to go on a safari. So after almost 40 hours of travel, a visit to Soweto, a great weekend in a hotel-that-was-practically-a-resort, and a morning in Joburg, I was ready to join some of my fellow international presenters for a journey to the Pilanesberg game reserve.

Just a few hours from downtown Joburg (and notice, by the way, how quickly I adopt the local nickname for the city), the Pilanesberg sits inside the crater of an extinct volcano, and serves as host to more animals than I can list here: lions, of course, and giraffe, rhinos (black and white) and elephants, zebras, and so much more. At 150,000 acres, the park is not large by African standards — the more famous Kruger is almost five million acres — but its proximity and malaria-free status make it an ideal destination. (Kruger, I was told, is “almost malaria free” in the winter, but to me, “almost malaria free” is the same as “malarial.”)

So off we went, departing a suburban development and winding our way into the country. By lunchtime we were checking in to the Black Rhino Lodge. And wow, what a glorious spot. The rooms — private chalets, really — are exquisite. The staff is outstanding. And the setting is beyond belief.

Even so, I was there for the animals. (Or, at least, I thought I was — but that’s a tale for another day.) When we boarded open-air vehicles to go on a two-hour game ride that afternoon, I half feared that the thunder of my pounding heart would scare off any animals we might happen upon. Was it really possible that I’d see a wild lion, or a leopard, or a giraffe? How close would they be? Would they look different in their natural environment?

I tried to limit my expectations. After all, we only had a bit of time before dark.

The setting was incredible. Pockets of small green trees punctuated vast expanses of golden grass beneath cloud-streaked blue skies. If serenity and awe had a visual representation, this was surely it.

Right off the bat we saw an impala, a deer-like animal that’s actually a kind of antelope. It was so beautiful and so striking that we insisted our driver stop. We didn’t yet know that impalas are as common there as squirrels are in New York.

Then we saw a rhinoceros! A huge behemoth gracefully lumbering through the sun-drenched Africa landscape, it didn’t seem real. I look at the photo now, and, even knowing I was there, wonder if it wasn’t a trick.

But dusk followed soon after, my first day in the bush meeting too quick an end. Despite the luxury of the lodge, I wasn’t ready to leave the animals.

Then, well after dusk, our guide spotted an owl! It was the perfect end to my initial taste of the bush.

And things were going to get much better.

[Find more photos on my Instagram and 500px accounts.]

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South Africa: Day 5, Johannesburg

Though I had arrived in Johannesburg on Thursday, I didn’t actually get to see the city until Monday. And at that, I only had a few hours. Fortunately, I had a guide, Max, with detailed local knowledge.

Suburbs of Johannesburg

Suburbs of Johannesburg


Hillbrow, Johannesburg

Hillbrow, Johannesburg

We started from a hill overlooking various parts of the city. The location itself was populated by people of various backgrounds communing with their gods.

To one side, industry mixed with residences in a blend that stretched to a mountain ridge at the horizon. Born of a gold rush, Johannesburg grew up practically unguided, an organic if disorganized response to basic human need. So it was no surprise that apartment buildings, stadiums, offices, and factories all sat side by side. Highlighting the contradictions of the city, my view was framed by the trash and debris that had been left untended upon our hill.

In another direction was the infamous Hillbrow — once a luxury destination, now known mostly for its urban decay and crime. And to be known for crime in Johannesburg is something, because the whole city is riddled with the imminent threat of violence. Most people I spoke with had either been carjacked themselves or knew someone else who had, for instance.

The houses in the suburbs, where I had stayed, evidence a clear reaction to this violence in the form of high walls, barbed wire (sometimes electrified), external gates, and even internal gates within a residence. These were placed between the entrance hall and the sleeping quarters, the idea being to prevent an intruder from killing you as part of a burglary. People left their compounds only by car.

Hillbrow itself was next. There I saw more contradictions. Newly renovated high-rises offered a promise for the future, right next to drug-infested, mafia-controlled buildings that even the police wouldn’t enter. Indeed, even the nicer buildings were protected not by the police but by a private security force called “Bad Boyz.”

Yet people in Hillbrow seemed at home, strolling down the streets and interacting freely as one does in a community. In yet another contradiction, the vibrancy of such an impoverished region was a stark contrast to the walled-off sterility of the richer areas.

At least, so it seemed to me.

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South Africa: Days 3-4

Day three in South Africa was at the Indaba Hotel and Conference Centre in the outer suburbs of Johannesburg. I was there to present at a three-day festival of learning (which I describe here), and it was the first time in nearly a week I’d get to go to sleep in the spot I woke up, so I was certainly looking forward to it.

Lunch at the Indaba

Lunch at the Indaba

I arrived at the Indaba Hotel on Friday (day two in country), and from the name I thought it would be a hotel. And I guess it was. But it was more like a resort. And while it boasted primarily of former glory, there was certainly still enough charm and elegance for a very pleasant weekend. These were augmented by what the conference planners had in mind, and enhanced further by great company, so all it all it was a great way to spend a few days.

I was, however, without doubt in a white bubble. Here I was, in Africa, with black — and, once again, “black” is the preferred term — porters, waiters, attendants, and other staff, while nearly all of the conference goers were white.

At one point I went in search of orange juice. It turned out that I could purchase it (for some ridiculously low price, thanks to my strong dollar and the weak local currency) at the bar, so around 4:00 in the afternoon on Saturday I walked into the bar, bringing to three the total number of people there: me, a black bartender, and another black worker whose function wasn’t clear to me.

This was my chance. I told both workers that I was from New York, and that I wanted to know about their country. I explained that if all they knew about New York was what they saw on T.V., they would never understand New York. And I explained that I feared that I was in a similar position regarding South Africa.

“What,” I asked them, “should I know about South Africa that I’m unlikely to see on my own?” I followed up with, “what would I see if I could leave my bubble?”

There were some language barriers, and, I believe, some cultural impediments. At first both workers seemed hesitant to venture beyond catering to me as a guest. But after about 15 minutes we started making progress. The bartender seemed eager to answer the question once he understood it. His English wasn’t as good as the other worker’s, though, so the conversation was slow going. But I could be patient.

Until a white woman walked in and monopolized things. She insisted on answering my questions herself, even though — the workers and I knew — she epitomized the bubble I was trying to leave behind.

Nothing worked. No matter how clearly I addressed the bartender, the woman answered. So after about half an hour, I gave up. I told the group that I unfortunately had other obligations.

“We’ll be here all night,” the bartender offered.

But I knew I wouldn’t have time to return.

Another missed opportunity.

South Africa: Day 2

Teaching students in a Johannesburg day school.

Teaching students in a Johannesburg day school.

Friday was my second day in country, and I hit the ground running.

My first stop was a local day school, where I taught a class to a few dozen high-school students. The group was fun and engaging, and I wish we’d had more time together.

From the students’ attire, you’d think it was winter. And it was. But it was a Johannesburg winter, which bears more resemblance to summer in New York. It was pretty cold in the morning, but the hot African sun warmed things up quickly. Most striking was the dryness, with levels approaching what I’d normally expect on an airplane.

Next up was the local radio station for an on-air interview. (More about that here.)

Hoffman talks about his books on 101.9FB in Johannesburg.

Hoffman talks about his books on 101.9FB in Johannesburg.

The timing, unfortunately, didn’t allow for me to see much of Johannesburg that day. I had a bit of time between events, but by early afternoon we had to set out for the hotel in the suburbs that would house my first conference stop. Because everyone was calling it a hotel, I expected, well, a hotel. It was more like a resort. And its beautiful setting formed the backdrop for the weekend, as I’ll describe next.


Indaba Hotel and Conference Centre

Indaba Hotel and Conference Centre

South Africa: Day 1

In retrospect, it was an obvious mistake to prejudge a whole country based only on one familiar accent. But as it turns out that’s what I did.

My destination was South Africa, and the people I knew from there spoke in an accent vaguely reminiscent of certain British dialects, so I reasonably if wrongly assumed that South Africa would be more or less like Great Britain, with, perhaps, a bit of Amsterdam thrown in. I realized I had made that subconscious assumption only when it was challenged by the reality I saw: South Africa is much more Africa than Europe.

Students Watch Performers in Soweto

Students Watch Performers in Soweto

My journey began in New York with the usual ninety minute drive to the airport. I arrived early, as New Yorkers always do, because the possibility of significant traffic all but forces a choice between early and late. Fortunately, Virgin Atlantic took good care of me in their “clubhouse,” which I call an airport lounge. Then it only took a six-hour overnight flight to London’s Heathrow, a ten-hour lay-over, and a second overnight flight, this one eleven hours, to bring me to Johanessburg’s O.R. Tambo international airport.

Soweto dancers perform for tourists.

Soweto dancers perform for tourists.

Soweto Performer Asking for Tips

Soweto Performer Asking for Tips

Shopping in Soweto

Shopping in Soweto

Schoolgirls in Soweto

Schoolgirls in Soweto

Right off the bat it was clear that I was in a new place. The airport staff were almost entirely black (and “black” is the preferred term), and, well, African. Wearing African combinations of western clothing, they spoke to me in African accents that revealed African native tongues. They spoke to one another in languages I couldn’t positively identify.

As is often the case, I needed two things before I left the airport: a local SIM card for my phone and a supply of the local currency, rands in this case. The first was easy. The second almost didn’t work. For the first time since the Internet was born, I found that my ATM card didn’t work. My modest cash withdrawal was refused. Fortunately I saw an American Express office, but even there — even with an organization I have always relied on for western convenience and customer service — it wasn’t easy. There was paperwork and computerwork involved in giving local rands to a traveler from the U.S., but the workers were equally unclear on the procedures for both. Some of the machines didn’t work. Nothing moved quickly.

Perhaps an hour later, I left the airport and headed into Johannesburg.

Though it’s South Africa’s largest city, Johannesburg isn’t the capital — or, I should say, isn’t one of the capitals, for the country boasts about three, even the number being a matter of occasional debate. Johannesburg itself is a huge sprawling mess of unplanning that arose in response to the discovery of gold there in the 1880s. But I didn’t see much of it on my first day.

Instead, I joined my fellow presenters and we drove out to my first real South African destination: Soweto. The name comes from “south western township.” It lies south-west of central Johannesburg. And it’s a “township,” which is to say, a black ghetto. The whites lived in cities like Johannesburg and Cape Town, while the blacks were confined to often undeveloped townships like Soweto — a racial division that was both enforced by law and augmented by other legal steps that kept the races apart.

Soweto was home to the famous “June 16” uprising of 1976, and literally home to Nelson Mandela, the man at the forefront of defeating the South African legal racial divisions. Mandela lived in Soweto for almost 20 years before a 27-year imprisonment, the result of his campaign to give blacks equal rights. After his release, he went on to serve as South Africa’s first black president. So to visit Soweto is to visit the past, present, and future of South Africa, all at once.

Unfortunately, I saw very little of the real Soweto. I visited Mandela’s former residence, now a museum, and walked around the adjoining streets. But they, too, were mostly a museum, with touristy shops selling pseudo-African art probably made in China, and touristy performers who were so out of place that even the locals stared.

Toward the end of our short visit to Soweto, a colleague and I approached a couple of local school kids with a single question in mind: What is it like to live here? We didn’t have time for the long conversation we wanted. And language and culture barriers made it difficult even to convey the question. But those very challenges tantalizingly hinted that we were right next to a fascinating story we would never hear.

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National Weather Service Dabbles in Spycraft with Coded Message

As a thriller writer (even though, officially, “there are no spies” in Warwick), I was delighted to see the National Weather Service dabble in spycraft as the Alaska office sent out a coded message last week during the government shutdown:

National Weather Service Dabbles in Spycraft with Coded Message

National Weather Service Dabbles in Spycraft with Coded Message

It’s an old trick, but a good one. Read the first letter of each line to get the NWS’s secret message.

Their one mistake, of course, was getting caught.

The Making of “There are Strange Things Done in Washington”

Thanks to its intricate rhyming scheme and strong meter, I’ve always loved Robert Service’s poem “The Cremation of Sam McGee.” So I jumped at the opportunity to mimic it as I satirized the current government shutdown.

The first line came to me over breakfast: “There are strange things done in Washington…,” an obvious play on Service’s “There are strange things done in the midnight sun…” Then akin to Service’s “…by the men who moil for gold” I came up with “by the folks who forge our laws.”

Rhyming with “laws” is the obvious “flaws,” so that’s how I continued. “The Senate halls and quorum calls//have always had their flaws.” Not perfect, but good enough to keep me going.

It was 9:30am on Friday when I decided to write the poem, but I knew I had to leave the house by 5:00pm that day. I did a mental calculation. If I spent three hours writing, I’d have 30 minutes for lunch and still have four hours to record, produce, and upload the poem and a video of me reciting it. Doable, but barely.

I wanted at least one funny line in the middle, and a strong ending. Without that, there’d be no point.

I got the funny line pretty quickly. In the context of what the banks say:

“Just relax. Get off our backs,” they say. “And we’re still annoyed//
“That you bitch and moan about those loans that we made to the unemployed.”

Not riotous, but amusing, at least.

Around noon I figured out the ending:

This explains our awe for order and law, for the forces that keep us free//
To visit great parks, to enjoy the arts, to relax over afternoon tea.//
‘Tis been said before, but I’ll say it once more: Anarchy precedes every fall.//
But nonetheless, it’s true, I guess, that it beats no government at all.

So I was done by 12:30. Lunchtime. Then at 1:00 I started trying to record it.

Now, I despise being in front of a camera. Still, how hard could it be to read a four-minute poem?

Harder than you might think, it turns out.

But before I even started, I had to set up an amateur camera, in my case a Canon S95. Though primarily designed for still photography, it would record video.

For variety, I chose a pleasant outdoor spot for the recording. I didn’t want yet another video of a talking head against the backdrop of a plant, an office, or a table. At least my talking head would appear amid the beauty of fall foliage.

I had a fine outdoor chair to sit in, but I didn’t have a tripod. So I had to improvise, carefully balancing a side table on a second outdoor chair, then putting the camera on that. The camera ended up too high, but close enough. Without the table it would have been much too low.

And, obviously, being an author and not the president, I didn’t have a teleprompter at my disposal. And being an author and not a soap-opera actor, I couldn’t memorize four minutes of text quickly enough. So I printed out the poem and hastily taped it to the table.

I hit record, sat down, took a breath, and started reading.

Which was fine until the first gust of wind blew the page out of my view.

So I stopped, ran inside, grabbed more tape, and secured my text. Again I hit record, sat down, took a breath, and started reading.

One thing you may not know about me is that, in spite of my love of nature, I’m phobic about bugs that fly. So it was a deal-breaker when an insect landed on my glasses.

Inside again. Bug-spray. Back out. Record. Sit. Breathe. Read.

During one run I misread the hardest lines of the poem:

By that they mean the mighty machine of businesses large and small//
Whose inherent greed is just what we need to bring prosperity back to all//

The American folks who may have lost hope as they saw their fortunes shrink…

I made the easy if frustrating mistake of stopping after “back to all.”

In the end it took me an embarrassing half dozen takes to get all the words right, and even so, I had to combine two tries. But it was getting late, and I was running out of time.

So I took my took good readings — one of the first half of the poem and one of the second — and started editing.

Sadly, all I had was Windows Movie Maker, which is the technology equivalent of a toddler’s set of watercolor paints: good enough for a pro to do a fine job, but a major impediment for an amateur like myself.

Coming perilously close to my deadline, I got the two takes combined, mucked around with the titles until they were readable (I couldn’t figure out how to put a simple title at the top of the screen, though), and added credits at the end.

Time to save the thing (about 15 minutes of computer time!), upload it to YouTube, create and upload the closed-caption file, and put the whole thing together.

In the end, I finished just in time. It took me three hours to write four minutes of poetry, and four hours to turn it into a video.

The video is severely flawed. Even though I recorded it in high resolution, somewhere along the line (Windows Movie Maker?) it got downgraded. But there’s a silver lining to that goof: it masks the poor camera skills.

I’m not thrilled with my recitation, either. Another few takes and I feel like I could really have done a good job. But I had no time.

And, as is usually the case, I’m particularly dismayed with how I look on camera. But I think I have to get used to that.

All in all, it was a fun process, and it reminded me of the difficulty of releasing to the world something that with another hour or two could have been much better.

I hope you enjoy it.

The Alaska Trip: Day 3, Hubbard Glacier

As I said, Alaska is humongous. Gigantic. Bigger than that, really. Much bigger.

Bizarrely, things therefore look small, because everything is so far away.

Hubbard Glacier

Hubbard Glacier

The contradiction jumped out at me as I gazed at Hubbard Glacier, a photo of which I’ve put just to the right. The thing is, that small line of blue-white at the bottom? That’s the glacier. And it rises 350 feet above the sea! (City dwellers, think of a 30-story building.)

This information comes via the National Park Service, along with other impossible facts. The glacier is actually 600 feet high, but 250 feet of it are below the water. The visible face is the terminus of a 7-mile wide river of ice that flows for 76 miles. (Yes, flows. Ice in Alaska does that.) By the time the ice reaches the end it’s some 450 years old.

Ice Water Near Hubbard Glacier

Ice Water Near Hubbard Glacier

The ice is constantly breaking off (“calving”), creating icebergs, which the sea gradually breaks up into smaller pieces of ice that litter the surrounding water for miles.

Green Mountains in Disenchantment Bay Near Hubbard Glacier

Green Mountains in Disenchantment Bay Near Hubbard Glacier

The other contradiction is the amount of greenery right next to all this frozenness. Much of Alaska, I would learn the next day, is actually a rainforest, with the ice merely punctuating vibrant and verdant woodlands.

Fog and icebergs prevented us from approaching Hubbard Glacier too closely, but even so, I managed to take a few pictures. It would have been worth traveling to Alaska just to see this beautiful array of white snow, blue ice, and green trees.

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The Alaska Trip: Day 2, The Boat

Unless you’ve been on a cruise ship, you can’t imagine what it’s like.

Princess of the Seas in Seward

Princess of the Seas in Seward

My Stateroom on Princess of the Seas

My Stateroom on Princess of the Seas

My Stateroom on Princess of the Seas

My Stateroom on Princess of the Seas

The Pool on Princess of the Seas

The Pool on Princess of the Seas

The Pool on Princess of the Seas

The Pool on Princess of the Seas

I hadn’t, so in my ignorance I figured it was like a combination of a boat, a hotel, and a resort. And in a sense it was. But like so many things, the cruise ship is more than just the sum of its parts.

I boarded the boat in Seward, some 130 miles south of Anchorage. And, indeed, on board I found 13 stories, which they call “decks,” rooms (“staterooms”), four dining rooms, two pools, banks of elevators, and so on.

But once we set sail (with no sails), I realized that the magic was in the juxtaposition of the boat and Alaska. Whether majestic, peaceful, or quirky, the environment was always changing. One day there’d be ice water (literally — water with thousands of pieces of ice) out my large window, the next day a mountain. Put those mountains behind an outdoor pool with two hot tubs and a bar, and the scene was positively surreal.

So even though I was mostly looking forward to our land excursions, it didn’t take long before I decided that a retreat center floating by Alaska’s natural beauty is a fine place to spend a bit of time.

And things were only going to get better.